its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
