I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
