I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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