i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
