did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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