I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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