I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So. Much. Porn.
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