Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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