you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.