I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?