I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
