i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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