I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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