a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
