Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
