You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
