Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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