the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The uberlube is also flammable
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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