Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
