I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
