My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
