Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
