I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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