she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
