Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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