I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
