If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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