Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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