if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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