So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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