just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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