mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
