Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
