All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
