just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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