seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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