Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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