Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
