I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm just crazy horny about you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
