I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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