if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
