Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
