accomplished twins. life is a go
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
