I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
