i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
