My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I color on your dick again?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize