i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
