Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
