Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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