I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
