Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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