i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
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Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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