Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
