The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
