so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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