I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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