mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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