Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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