My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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