Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
