life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
