I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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